...to the plate: experiments in douche-speak

If you're a fan of The Apprentice, then you might find this is pretty funny. (Side note: Tarek is probably the most attrative man I've seen on TV in my whole life, ever. Like, I'd swallow his semen right-quick, folks.)

Now I remember

I haven't been stoned/drunk in a long time, but now that I am, I must say that this week's "True Life: I'm a Reality Star" on MTV is pehaps one of the greatest things I've ever seen (granted this opinion may be due to my current condition) like evs. I really need to do a documentary on this guy Daniel Liu, who after being voted off SECOND on "Survivor," now acts as his own publicist, booking himself onto various D-List red carpet events. Oh, and he just filmed "Little Hercules" with Hulk Hogan, in which he basically has one line that he practices like 20 times (the exact same way) to us. Well, you just have to trust me on this one. I implore you: get sufficiently inebriated and watch one of MTV's gazillion reruns of this shit. It will mess with your head.

It's a man, baby

I call her Jennifer Maniston now. You could cut the tension in the room with her jaw.

tv

Wow, The Apprentice is so damn good this season. (One day American Idol will do this: be good again.) And who knew that I would finally develop strong feelings for a woman, and that said woman would be none other than Ivanka Trump. She's so fucking awesome in it that I almost pee whenever she’s on screen. I want to call her up and talk about boys and clothes and, gosh, you know, whatever. She’s just that rad, people.

Ivy Famous

The following are lists of famous entertainers who have attended Ivy league schools as undergads. Dropouts still count.

Columbia
Matthew Fox
Brian Dennehy
Julia Stiles
Lauren Hill
Casey Affleck
Jesse Bradford
Amanda Peet
Dan Futterman
Jake Gyllenhall (dropped out)
Maggie Gyllenhall
Ed Harris
Telly Savalas
Ben Stein
Mario Van Peebles
Anna Paquin
Emmy Rossum

Harvard
Elizabeth Shue
Amy Brenneman
John Lithgow
Natalie Portman
Wallace Shawn
Conan O'Brien
Rivers Cuomo
Fred Gwynne
Al Franken
Bonnie Raitt
Stockard Channing
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Tommy Lee Jones
Donal Logue
Mira Sorvino
Matt Damon
Fred Grandy
Jack Lemmon
Mo Rocca

Brown
Lisa Loeb
Duncan Sheik
Julie Bowen
Laura Linney
Tracee Ellis Ross
Michael Showalter
Bess Armstrong
Randall Batinkoff
JoBeth Williams
John Spencer (of the John Spencer Blues Explosion)
Leelee Sobieski
Joseph Bologna
Tim Blake Nelson

Dartmouth
Aisha Tyler
Michael Moriarty
Andrew Shue
Rachel Dratch

Yale (undergrad--drama school is a separate category)
Lewis Black
Jodie Foster
Angela Bassett
David Hyde Pierce
Perry King
Ron Livingston
Jennifer Beals
Kip Pardue
Jordana Brewster
Joy Bryant
Sam Waterston
Claire Danes
Sara Gilbert
Jennifer Connelly
Paul Giamatti
Edward Norton
Patricia Clarkson

Princeton
David Duchovny
Brooke Shields
Dean Cain

Penn
Candice Bergen (kicked out--LOL)
Ken Olin
Melissa Rivers
Paul Provenza
Rick Yune
Elizabeth Banks

Cornell
Bill Maher
Christopher Reeve
Gillian Anderson

gulp

TWOP has a dazzling recap on the most disturbing episode of Little House On the Prairie. Ever. It's the one where Ma tries to amputate her own leg AND doesn't have her hair up in a bun. Freaky fucking shit, folks. It used to excite the pee out of my penis if it came during my quotidian after-school, seven-hour TV marathon. (And I'm much to young to have seen it when it aired prior to hitting syndication.) Along with Richard Ramirez (AKA "The Night Stalker") and the episodes of Diff'rent Strokes and The Facts of Life where Kimberly and Natalie (the latter dressed as Charlie Chaplin no less!) are almost brutally raped, respectively, this is the kind of stuff that I obsessed over day and night, thus making me what I am today: A beautiful but paranoid shadow of a human being.

Anyway, enjoy!

Clay's a top?

My favorite rumor this week/month has to be the Clay Aiken as gay rapist story going around the gossip rags/blogs. I heard his alleged victim, John Paulus, interviewed on Howard Stern last week (mp3 available through the linked page) and I'm still trying to figure out how true his story is. Paulus even claims to have saved all the IMs between him and Clay, as well as a towel loaded with Aiken's, ahem, "DNA." Apparently some Claymates think it's true, because there are rumors of a class-action law suit against Clay for fraudently representing himself as the all-American Xtian choirboy (ah, memories of all those ladies in love with Liberace). I'm fascinated by the idea of Clay being the complete opposite of his public persona behind closed doors--that he likes to fist ex-Green Berets and pound them for an hour straight. So what do you all think?

A blast from the past

I don't know why but I'm really into this.

Fat Ebert rules, and I miss Siskel.

Crash

What a fucking awful movie. OK, that's not true, because it's actually loads of fun to watch, what with its expansive many-stories-in-one theme, which I love in almost any storytelling. At best, it's a terrible movie on a Showgirls level. You might think I’m trying to sound controversial, because I am, after all, just that transparent, but the movie and how it’s trying to get something across is appalling. If that movie wins a Best Picture Oscar…well, it would make sense. Paul Haggis is a functionally-retarded screenwriter.

But I am looking forward to all of the hilarious nigger and chink jokes it inspires during the Oscars. Oh wait, no –- that's fag jokes inspired by Brokeback Mountain...

taking or receiving communion

Did you know that Klonopin also comes in convenient wafer form? It does. Very close to breath strips – the ultimate goal for any fun medication -- but more like those antacids that dissolve in your mouth. (Their brand name escapes me.) The most awesome thing I've ever stuck under my tongue -- very quick to react, those pills were. See, I was over at a friend’s house last night for dinner, and after we finished our crab plates and glass of chardonnay (yes, I know, but they do go well together), we popped a few. Wow. It was…magic, momma. It really was. Swear.

But skip the Lunesta. Those are just fancily packaged Tylenol PMs, minus any vanilla bursts and over-the-couther availability, and my pretty, gold-flecked eyes are puffy this morning. Pft.